Without Regret
by stephaflea
Summary: It had been 3 months since the mission which almost cost Teyla her life, and 3 months since John’s first nightmare. All he can do is watched watch as nightly the woman he loved died in his arms.


Title: Without Regret  
Author: Flea  
Date : 4.8.07  
Part: 1/1  
Rating: PG-13 (just to be safe)

Pairing: J/T  
Characters: John and Teyla  
Genre: angst/Romance  
Word Count: 3835  
Archiving: Fever, John and Teyla Convergence and Fanfiction Net  
Warnings: angst, implied death and sexual situation  
Spoilers: none

Disclaimers: No copyright infringement is intended. All characters belong to MGM I'm only borrowing them for my own personal enjoyment.

Summery – It had been 3 months since the mission which almost cost Teyla her life, and 3 months since John's first nightmare. All he can do is watched; watch as nightly the woman he loved died in his arms.

**Without Regret**

John could hear her screams as they rang through the air; his blood running cold at the sound of them.

But no matter how hard he ran, how fast; he couldn't reach her in time. John could only watch as the knife pierced her stomach again and again.

He called out but no words can from his lips, he reached out his arms but she was still too far way. He ran faster and faster but the distance between them never shortened.

Slowly John saw her slip to the ground her attacker disappearing into thin air and suddenly John was able to move again; rushing to her side only to realise he was too late. Blood covered her front pouring from her body and no matter how hard John tried to stop it; the blood just kept coming.

He called for Ronan, for Rodney; Carson but there was no reply. They were alone … Teyla dying in his arms.

"You've got to hold on" He cried he could feel the moisture coming from his eyes' tears which he very seldom showed streaming down his cheeks but John made no attempt to brush them away; there wasn't time. "Just hold on!" he begged.

Removing his jacket he tried to use it to stop the bleeding but it was of no use; the blood just kept on coming.

"Teyla you've got to hold on … please just hold on."

John looked around, he needed to get Teyla to the gate; back to Atlantis. But the Stargate, like his team were no where to be seem.

"John" Teyla voice was weak but John heard it glancing down his eyes locked with hers.

"Don't talk … you're going to be ok." He told her not completely sure who he was trying to convince.

"No John … not this time." He ignored her words turning away from her as the tears continued to fall. He couldn't let Teyla see him this weak; he needed to be strong for her.

He couldn't let her see the fear in his eyes, the fear that these were her last moments of life.

He could feel a wetness on his hands looking down he notice that his jacket was gone. Panic filled his body as the blood continued to pour with nothing to slow its pace.

John's hands shot to her stomach doing the best he could to stop the bleeding; but the blood just ran through his fingers.

"You can't save me John." Her voice whispered beside him

"Teyla don't talk like that … your going to be fine." Pressing a little harder on her wound hoping it would make some difference; it didn't.

"Not this time John …" he noticed the change in her tone as he lifted his head to face her.

A small smile graced her lips before Teyla eyes rolled back into her head and her body went limp before him.

"Teyla …" John shouted shaking her shoulders lightly, but the young Athosian didn't respond. "Teyla." His voice louder but it still made no difference.

John started CPR; breathing for her and forcing her heart to beat. He could have been going for hours; time as he knew it had stopped.

But still John kept filling her lungs with his breath, feeling her chest give with each compression, desperately trying to bring life back to her body.

Slowly he stopped his emotions overpowering him. He pulled Teyla's lifeless body to him rocking gently as he cried out, grief spreading through his body like a plague. But there was no one to hear his pain; no one to ease his suffering.

Teyla was dead!

John bolted up right in his bed the lingering images of his dream still fresh in his mind. He could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest, breathing ragged; a cool sweat covering his body.

It was a dream; it must have been a dream. But that thought bought him little comfort as the images of Teyla's lifeless body continued to flash before his eyes.

Jumping out of his bed John rushed towards the bathroom, the door and lights automatically obeying his silent order. Leaning over the wash basin John took the time to catch his breath; what the hell was happening to him?

Turning on the cold water he slashed his face; trying desperately to cool his heated skin.

He looked down at his hands expecting to see blood, but only the residue of the water dripped from his fingers. It had been a dream; nothing but a dream.

He had been having these dreams now for a little over 3 months though never before had one been so powerful; so real.

It had begun after a simple meet and greet mission had suddenly turned hostile almost costing Teyla her life. John could still remember that first night in the infirmary, nobody knowing if she would make it or not. He had sat by her bed, holding her hand refusing to move until she woke up. At some point he must have drifted off to sleep because that's when the first nightmare came.

He could remember the knife, the blood; Teyla's lifeless body as he held her in his arms. John had awoken with such a shock that he'd scared the young nurse who had been noting Teyla rivals.

A few hours later Teyla had awoken; Carson had given her the all clear and although it took a few weeks for her to fully recover, everything was beginning to get back to normal.

Then one night John had woken suddenly the images of the nightmare fresh in his head.

And that's how it had continued; for 3 months. The nightmare was always the same, John would see Teyla being stabbed but no matter how hard he tried he never reached her in time. The blood would come covering her body and his and then the words; the words which still haunted his mind even when he was awake. "Not this time John."

John took another look at himself in the mirror; a slight bit of colour had begun to return to his cheeks. His hands were no longer shaking and John could feel his heart slowing and breathing becoming returning to normal.

How much longer could he go on like this? This was now the fifth night in a row that he had been awoken; John knew that if he didn't do something quick people were going to notice.

Walking back into this room John collapsed down on to the bed, the idea of returning to sleep far from his mind. Turning to the bedside table he saw a tiny bottle of sleeping tablets which Carson had prescribed him a little over a month ago. John had used them for a few nights but that was all.

They helped him sleep; the strength they were they could probably knock an elephant out. But they didn't stop his dreams and if John had to choose between waking from his nightmare or being made to endure it; there was no contest what won.

Closing his eyes a new image of Teyla's bloody body flashed through his mind her words ringing in his ears; "Not this time John."

Jumping from his bed John quickly pulled on a pair of trousers before making his way to the door. The corridor was dark but that didn't bother him; he could find his way to her room blindfolded if he had to.

John couldn't explain the feelings which were running through his body, all he knew was that he need to see her; needed to check she was alright.

John leaned his head against the cool metal of Teyla's door; calming his breathing the best he could. He had been standing there now a little over 5 minutes but to John it felt more like hours.

He needed to see her; need to check he was alright yet something stopped him.

Usually he could shift the images which would flash through his head after the nightmare. A splash of cold water, maybe a little walk and John was able to get back to sleep; it was never peaceful and took a long time to come but he was still able to achieve it.

Tonight how ever John knew that no matter how long he walked for, how many times he slashed watcher over his face; he wasn't going to be getting any rest until he'd seen that she was alright.

John took a deep breath and palmed the signal which would inform Teyla some one was there. He waited, his head telling him this was a stupid idea. Teyla was safe in her room not dying on some strange planet. But even though his head was right John just couldn't convince his heart.

He remembered the mission 3 months ago all too clear; remembered how she had lain in his arms bleeding.

John had truly believed that had been Teyla's final moment; he could still remember how his heart sunk when Teyla's eye lids fluttered shut as she slipped into unconsciousness. John didn't even want to think what could of happened if they hadn't got her to Carson in time.

Once again the image of Teyla bleeding and broken filled his mind; tears welling in his eyes threatening to fall.

Palming the signal again trying to control his emotions as he waited for Teyla to open the door; what could be taking her so long.

Losing his patients John palmed the control which would open the door walking straight into the woman who had been haunting his dreams.

"John" she exclaimed shock and surprise filling her face. Obviously she hadn't been excepting to see him at her door … which made John suddenly wonder who she was expecting to see.

"Hey" John's breath caught in his throat as he took in the sight of the beautiful woman before him.

Teyla stood in front of him wearing very little; just a pair of shorts and tank top. She was showing far too much skin for John's mind to work properly.

"John …" Teyla's voice snapping him out of his thoughts as he brought his eyes back up to hers. He could see worry reflected in their depths and hated the fact that he was the one cause it. "Is something wrong?"

"No … no" He paused not really knowing what to say; he hadn't planned this far ahead. "I just … it's just …" John let out a nervous laugh. "It's funny really" he smiled trying to ease some of the tension which had formed between them. John could tell by the look in her eyes that Teyla was not convinced.

It was only then that John realised that in his haste to see her he had forgot his shirt and shoes; his cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"John … are you feeling ok?" She asked placing one of her hands on his bare arm.

He could feel the heat from her hand; the touch of her fingers sending shivers through out his entire body.

"I'm …" John felt himself swallow hard at the feelings which were cruising through his body; this was not how he saw this happening. "I'm fine Teyla" he told her also trying to convince himself. "I shouldn't have come … its nothing"

John turned to leave but Teyla was too quick for him, placing herself between his body and the door; blocking his exit.

"You woke me up just to tell me … 'nothing'" Teyla asked a look of disbelief across her face.

"I'm sorry I should go." As he gently tried to push pass her but Teyla placed both her hands flat on his chest stopping John in his tracks.

"You are worrying me John." She spoke her voice soft; full of concern.

"Teyla its nothing."

"I do not believe you"

John tried for the door again but Teyla refused to allow him access; standing her ground.

"Teyla." He sighed frustrated "Look just let me go … we can forget that this even happened"

"Maybe I do not want to forget"

John turned given up his pursuit of the door walking further into her room.

What had he been thinking? He knew that Teyla would want to know why he was there; what had he been planning to tell her? What was he going to tell her?

All John wanted to do was check she was safe; it had never occurred to him that Teyla might want to know his reasons.

"John" his mind hardly registered her soft voice behind him so lost in his own thoughts.

How could he explain to her what he didn't even understand himself? How could he explain that all he wanted was to see her face; her eyes. How could he tell her that all he wanted to do was hold her close; not letting anything hurt her?

How could he tell Teyla that he had fallen head over heels in love with her?

"John … please." Her voice snapping him back to reality once again.

"I just had to see you." He spoke softly still with his back to her.

"Why" John could felt Teyla move away from the door heading towards him, but he said nothing; she wouldn't understand.

Silence filled the room the tension which hung between them becoming unbearably. She was closer now, less than a foot behind him; John could feel the heat which seemed to radiate from her body.

"Why did you have to see me?" Teyla gently pushed.

"I had to know you were alright."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"It was just a stupid dream Teyla." Though his voice wasn't very convincing.

John felt Teyla step forward; placing her hands on his bare back. He couldn't help but gasp at the sensation that ran through his body at her touch.

"Look at me John." Her voice forceful yet still soft; but he didn't move.

He felt Teyla's fingers slide gently across his skin as she move around him; her hands coming to rest on his stomach.

Their eyes locked and John could see so many emotions reflected in their depths.

"Talk to me John" her eyes showed pain; pain at the fact that he was hurting and there was nothing she could do.

"Teyla …" he breathed her name escaping his lips.

John felt himself moving closer; the need to kiss her overpowering him.

"It was just a stupid dream." John spoke suddenly, pulling away from Teyla and walking over towards the window. The moment between them ruined. John stood staring over the ocean; the waves crashing over a star filled sky. "It's always the same." He whispered angrily

"Always?" John cursed silent too himself. The last thing he wanted Teyla to know was that he had been having these nightmares for months. "How long have you been having these dreams?"

"It's not important."

"It is too me." Hurt sounding in her voice at the fact he hadn't spoken to her sooner.

"3 months" his voice was barely a whisper and for a brief moment John thought she hadn't heard him.

"3 …" Teyla paused as realisation suddenly hit her "Since M1M – 759?"

"I see the stabbing" John started before Teyla could say anything else "I see him …" the emotions become too much forcing him to stop. He stared into the glass of the window; watching Teyla's figure behind him as she waited for him to continue. "I can't do anything … no matter how hard I try; I can't get to you in time."

John could see the faint shimmer of a tear as escaped her eye, slowing running down her cheek.

"There's just so much blood but … I can't do anything Teyla" His voice rising with anger "you die and I can't do a damn thing."

Within seconds Teyla was in front of him. He can feel her hands cupping his face her calming voices drifting to his ears.

"I am here John … you got me back to Atlantis; you saved me"

"You nearly died Teyla!"

"But I didn't" her voice rising to match his.

John couldn't imagine what losing Teyla would mean to him; he couldn't explain the pain he would feel.

Losing any member of his team would hit him hard; they had become more like a family over the years; the bonds which had formed between then surprising everyone. Losing Ronan, Rodney, Carson or Elizabeth would be hard; painful. But losing Teyla; John didn't know if he'd be able to survive knowing that he was never going to see her again.

Telling Teyla this would change their current relationship and that was something which John couldn't allow to happen; they were already walking a fine line.

"I shouldn't have come here." He spoke softly as he once again headed for the door, this time Teyla did not stop him.

"Ronan told me …" her voice stopping him mid stride "He told me you carried me all the way the gate; that you ran as fast as you could to get me back to Atlantis before it was too late."

John knew what Teyla spoke was true; the memory was as fresh in his mind as if it had happened yesterday. He had ran till his legs felt like they would give away underneath him, yet he pushed himself further; clutching Teyla to his chest while Ronan and Rodney did their best of hold off their attackers.

"Ronan would have done the same."

"He also told me you waited by my bedside, refusing to move until I woke up. Is that true?"

John still stood with his back towards her facing the door. It would be so easy just to keep walking; escaping the room while his emotions were still under control.

"You're my friend Teyla; I just wanted to make sure you were going to be alright."

"I didn't wake up for 4 days John."

"Only 4 … could have sworn it was longer." He chuckled trying to relieve the tension which hung in the air all around them.

It was true he had waited by Teyla's side, refusing to move until she woke up. Not even Carson's or Elizabeth's orders made him move.

"I don't know what I would do if I had lost you Teyla." He admitted refusing to meet her eyes. "I watch you die in my dreams nearly every night; I watch you bleed to death in my arms ..." dropped his head as his emotions finally got the better of him.

"John" Teyla's hands cupped his face bringing his eyes up once again to lock with hers. John could feel the softness of her fingers against the slight stubble on his skin. "They are only dreams."

"We risk our lives everyday … every time we step through that gate. Hell we don't even need to go through to get ourselves killed. One day our luck is going to run out; one day the nightmares are going to become real."

"It is risk we must take."

"I don't know …" John felt his words catch in his throat. "I don't know if I can do it any more, I don't know if I can risk losing you."

John saw the look of shock flash across her face at his suddenly admission.

"Look Teyla you don't understand …" but as soon as the words left his lips he knew he'd made a mistake.

Teyla's hands feel from his face a look of disbelief etched on her beautiful features.

"I have known you for over 3 years John Sheppard. I have lost count of the amount of times I have watched you willing give your life in order to save others." She spoke angrily.

John tried to turn away from her but Teyla would not let him.

"I have lost count of the amount of times I thought I had lost you, so do not tell me I do not understand."

"Teyla please … I didn't mean it like that."

"We are fighting a battle against the wraith to make this galaxy a better place. We risk our lives so people do not have to live theirs in fear, and I know you would not hesitate to give your life if it meant saving others."

"Teyla…"

"We fight to give back to the people everything the wraith try to take away, security; family … We fight for peace …" Teyla paused "For love."

John stared into the eyes of the women standing in front of him and for the first time in days the images of her lifeless, bleeding form didn't flash before his eyes.

John knew he would keep fighting, knew he would keep putting his life on the line and as long as he did that so would Teyla. They risked their lives everyday and though John may not like it there was very little he could do to change that fact.

But there was one thing he could do, if he was going to die in this war then he would die without any regrets.

Bringing his hands up John soft cupped Teyla's face his eyes never leaving hers for an instant. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity neither wanting nor willing to move.

John lend in closer watching as he saw Teyla's eyes flutter close awaiting the kiss which to John was long overdue.

He let go of all his fears gently pressings his lips to Teyla's for their first kiss.

There relationship was about to change, there was nothing John could do to change that; he only hoped that the change was for the better. But what ever happened; John knew this moment would stay with him for the rest of his life.

His tongue slid past her lips as he deepen the kiss, all his thoughts of his nightmares evaporating into thin air.

It did not take long for their kiss to intensify, John's hands slipping down to Teyla hips as he gently pushed her back towards the bed.

John could not describe the feelings which were running through his body, they were too overwhelming. He heard a soft moan escape Teyla's lips as his hands ran across the bare skin of her back, before grabbing the bottom of her top and pulling it over her head.

They both feel together onto the bed John hands sliding over Teyla's hips and the curve of her waist until they reached her breasts.

Teyla arch her body pushing herself closer towards him as she kissed him even harder.

That's how they stayed for the rest of the night, John learning … memorizing every detail of her body; their relationship changing from friends to lovers.

John knew the nightmares wouldn't stop but as long as he was able to hold Teyla in his arms they would be kept at bay, and the only regret John now had was that they hadn't do this sooner.

Author notes: Thank you for reading, I hoped you enjoyed. I have checked through the story a number of times and tried to weed out all the mistakes, but spelling and grammar isn't my strong point so there maybe still be a few.

Please review if you can I'd love to know what you think

Love

Flea

xxxx


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